It can be all-consuming, if one allows it to be such. One can focus all of one's energy on this nasty disease and make it the center of one's life. Conversely, one can choose to not allow the cancer to spread through every facet of one's life and only take days at a time to mourn the reality of what it means.
The latter is what we really try to do at the Finlinson household. I really do have my days (really). Rob has his days. Our beautiful children have their days. However, the best thing that we do is pick ourselves up and try to not focus on this hiccup we are having (you know, the cancer).
Some of those days rotate very strongly around when Rob has his scans. Well, let's be honest here. About three weeks prior, I get very anxious. A few days before the scan, I am even more anxious (is there even such a thing?). He gets the scan, we look at the results (thanks Intermountain), we wait a few days, we see the doctor, we schedule more appointments for another three months down the road. We then relax for a time. Then the whole process starts up again. Wheeeee! Isn't this fun?
There is a great song by Tim McGraw (no, in case you are wondering, I am not a fan of country music, but someone told me about this song) called "Live Like You Were Dying." The basic message of the song is that we don't know when this life will end, but we need to take it by the reigns and make the most of it. Enjoy our moments whilst we have them; don't look back on our lives with regret. This is what we have been attempting the last 4.5 years.
Something I tell my kids (much to their annoyance): "make your own magic." (Well, mostly, I tell them this when they tell me they are bored, but it works for this illustration.) We are making our own magic. We are spending time together, limiting our outside distractions to only what we want, playing a lot of games, talking, reading scriptures, praying, snorkeling, cross country skiing (well, Rob and the kids and their aunt Tarali - I have been too cold lately to go). We are making the magic that will be remembered (hopefully) by our children as happy times. We are living like we are dying.
We have had such an incredible blessing. This cancer has been a blessing. Can we even say that out loud? It is has been hard, don't get me wrong. Heart-wrenching hard. We have been given a gift of seeing our mortality and choosing how we want to spend our time. Our family has grown so close. Our family, our extended families, friends, church family, co-workers, and strangers have been touched by this cancer. Relationships have been strengthened. We have seen people band together in solidarity to pray for us, to make us meals, to pat our backs, hand us tissues, give hugs, and just listen. We are not the only people benefiting from this - those that are serving us are benefiting as well. I see the strength that comes to those that are trying to give us strength. The love, the caring, the empathy. We are blessed. They are blessed. You are blessed.
Our kids are all reacting to Rob's cancer differently. Jacob (13) is a bit angry. He is at a difficult age anyway and thinking about losing his dad is unthinkable. Gabrielle (11) just says, "This is life, there is nothing to do about it, so I am not going to think about it." Noah (8) holds on to Rob like he is going to be whisked away at any moment. The hugs he gives Rob would just break your heart. For the most part, cancer and their dad go hand in hand (in their mind). Jacob was Noah's age when Rob was first diagnosed. Gabrielle was six and Noah was three. Luckily, Rob has looked good for most of it. Not sickly...
Are you wondering whether I am going to update you on his scan?
- All three remaining lobes still have cancer in them: (check)
- Tumors doubled in size from December: (check)
- New spots showing up: (check)
- Scan in three months: (check)
If there is any new information between now and July (like pneumonia or someone yelling "Bring out yer dead" in front of our house), I will update the blog. Are you on pins and needles?
Have a fantastic three months - minus any stress and anxiety!
With love, gratitude, and appreciation,
j
